Sunday, 28 August 2011

Trust issues

The title and the following make it perfectly clear what this post is about, and you can stop reading after these four words if you want to, because this will be a long post: I have trust issues.

But I'm gonna talk about it anyway.

I've not had the worst life. By comparison to many of the people I've met, known/know and love, many of whom have dabbled in drugs, self-harming and several suicide attempts, I've lived a positively sheltered life. But nonetheless, I didn't have the easiest start. Ab initio, when I was in Primary school (if you're outside of Britain, this is about age 5-11,) I was pretty much ignored or picked on. The recurring theme here was that I just couldn't trust people because they were mean to me. I had some friends, but I didn't know how to treat them and often was nasty to them, or got angry.

Basically, I wasn't a very social person when I was young, because I just plain didn't know how to be!

When I was in Year 4 (3rd grade) that started to change for the better, as I'd first met my friend Taylor there, and though like every friend does, we had our falling-outs, arguments and what have you, he taught me a lot about how to be a friend, for which I owe him a great deal. It didn't change the fact that people left me out a lot, it just meant I had someone to hang out with when I was, and someone who could help me integrate with the larger groups eventually :).

Part of the reason I was teased is because kids can be malicious bastards, sometimes. I don't want to turn into a misopedic old misery when I'm older because I know that some kids are the adorablest little angels, but some are vicious, too. Part of it was me asking for it, though. It wasn't the fact that I was teased for being a teacher's pet (then, not now,) or because I was one of the smarter kids, but I used to be and still am a very argumentative, provocative person, and so now and then I got myself into a few arguments. I never got into any serious fights or anything, but nonetheless, I did bring some of it on myself. I am still a socially awkward person, from time to time.

Eventually, I met Lottie, my wonderful, amazing friend who introduced me to so many people and did just what Taylor did and then some, brought me into a group, showed me love and affection and taught me how to return it. Thanks to her, I know so many amazing people and find it much easier to make friends, and I'm also very affectionate.

But even when I had people who I loved, and who loved me, even when everyone in school knows my name; I still am not the most trusting person when it comes to people I don't know that well. That's partly down to the previous reasons, and partly because of the things I've mentioned in my post on coming out as bisexual. After I became well-known for it, and people approached me to either tease or congratulate me about it, I became wary. Later I would realise and understand that many had good intentions, and were merely curious, so wanted to ask me themselves about it. What they didn't realise was that everybody asking the same question repeatedly to an already awkward, slightly distrustful bisexual teenager, didn't improve my attitude to people.

In general, I try to be open-minded about people these days. When someone approaches me, I try my best not to write them off, and if they're friendly to me, then I do my best to be polite and friendly back to them. But I still find it difficult when it comes to people who are both friendly and say or do things that I'm uncomfortable with. A guy called Frasier, for example, who on the surface is one of those people that flirts with me to make me uncomfortable, a sporty burly bloke, but below the layers is an intelligent, socially observant, friendly and kind person. And it was purely through spending a coincidental week with him that I learned that.

So I'm getting better :). But hopefully this big post illustrates in depth just why I don't always find it easy to trust people.

~Love, Leonidas

1 comment:

  1. I think its really good that you've realised and can admit that you have trust issues,-not knowing you I can't say if I think you do or not- as many people try ignore their flaws.
    Do you think you might not want to get too close to people in case they hurt you?
    Since reading this I've been thinking about myself and wondering about how I am with people. In conclusion,- I'm antisocial :P
    You're good at blogging.


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