Monday, 12 December 2011

You know those days?

I sat here ruminating through several things I wanted to talk about - I drew a little picture on my hand, too, which I know was related to a blog post idea and a good one, but I've forgotten what it meant - and as I went through the first one, two lines into attempting to plan it I thought "Fuck it, I don't want to plan this, I'll write it." And then before I even got a sentence out I thought "God I'm so lazy." There was a coherence to this train of thought two minutes ago, I think.

I considered talking about knowledge - I'll get to it, I'm sure - and the idea that I revise all this useless crap for exams that I don't need, and fixate upon other areas of knowledge that are of no use to me. And then I thought "No, I don't even do that, that's how fucking lazy I am." I could at least learn something that's not of use and do it decently. That's where I started thinking that I'm really lazy.

I had a point when I started to write this.

You know those days? They're good days, fine days - and I try not to be so naive as to label every day "good day", "bad day", "okay day", because in reality, our emotions fluctuate so much during the day. Just that on what we call "good days", we get lots of peaks, and they allow us to ignore the less good parts of that day. On a bad day, we get more troughs, we notice them, we decide we're having a bad day.

So I'm not having a bad day. But right this second I'm hitting a few troughs.

It's one of those things that snowballs from minor sources. I was feeling hot, Facebook was being irritating, feelings of apathy and discontentment were getting to me, I was bored... all minor irritants of no real issue on their own. But then they sort of lump together and it gets worse and soon you're not feeling wonderful. I work on the theory that acknowledging bad things can make them worse - you constantly complain of neck pains to your friends and they'll keep on troubling you throughout the day, as opposed to just ignoring them. But maybe I'm wrong, because writing all of this in one big splurge is actually rather therapeutic.

You know those days? I'm sure you do, I don't know anyone capable of living a life without having at least one. We're all human, we all have shit days. I'm not having a shit day, I don't know what I'm having.

That's the problem with emotions. They go up and down and in the end you don't really have a clue where they've left you. All the more for a sixteen year old still going through the joys of hormones, growing up, etc.... But in any case, it's not easy to pin down my feelings. Like I said, I try to avoid typecasting my days. I don't like to say "I've had a bad day", "I've had a good day", when in reality I either felt happy for the majority of the time or felt shit the majority of it. Currently I'm only really feeling a little bad this evening.

These things can get to you. Sure, people are dying every millisecond around the world, but that doesn't help when you're feeling crap, even if you're living the life. I know what I've got, and don't think I don't appreciate it. But when you're having one of these moments when little things get to you and just...

This is why I don't plan these things. I've been writing nonstop for a while now. I think... I think I'll stop.

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